While I am shivering in the cold at Toomler waiting for the doors to open, another early bird enters the scene. I tell her a friendly hello but my smile freezes firmly on my face when my eye sets upon her handbag. This because it's a bit impolite to friendly greet a stranger to then gawk at her with a horrified glare. It confuses people. Besides, I have a good 10 minutes of waiting with her yet to come. I nod, to give my smile some oomph. The bag is no ordinary bag; it's a fox.
My face is in an extreme conflict. My smile suggests: "Aw. How very lovely!" My eyes scream: "Is that my most favorite animal!!!!? Shot!? Skinned, head to toe to be artistically folded in double to create.... a handbag!!!??"
She sits down next to me. The fox doesn't have those stuffed-fox eyes, but those small beady eyes like on a teddy bear. This gives me a spark of hope. Maybe it's like those scary fake cats you sometimes come across at a market. I am silent for a bit longer, but cannot resist my curiosity.
"So..." I clear my throat a little bit, to be able to toss it in there as nonchalant and polite as possible. "Is that a-uhm- a real fox?" -"Yes." "Awn!" It comes flying out of my mouth before I know it. I make an exaggerated pout, to mellow it down a little, but it's already too late.
-"Oh no! You are not one of those, are you?" "Oh neu-neu-neu-no. HA HA HA!" -"That's a relief!"
Somewhere deep inside the true Claartje starts bawling in a very pitiful manner. Violins ascent.
"I've left my spray can at home today. HA HA HA." -"They shoot them anyway when there are too many of them, you know."
I take another look at the fox..
"I uhm -It's -It is just my absolute favorite animal. That's all."
I stare at my shoes, a bit embarrassed. I don't believe it's still socially acceptable to utter the phrase 'is my absolute favorite animal' when you are 27 years old. 'Used to be my absolute favorite animal. Back when I was 7.' That's fine. But 'is my absolute favorite animal' in present tense? Unacceptable! Still, dear people, THE FOX! IS!!!! MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE ANIMAL!! There. That's refreshing.
-"My daughter thinks it's so cute!" "Oh, does she?" -"Oh well. I simply love fur."
We wait in silence till the register opens. I glance at her fur collar and her fur boots every once in a while. She's PETA's nightmare. Oh well. She simply loves fur. And I'm apparently too polite to be an extreme animal rights activist. Pity. It was such an opportunity! Sorry, Foxy.
At 6 o clock in the morning, I was still sleeping wonderfully until suddenly a big bang woke me up. I decided that the checking-out-what-it-was part could be delayed for an hour, and wanted to turn around and go back to sleep, when the beeping started.
IEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIE!!! The smoke alarm had come sailing down the ceiling. IEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIE- "I know! I know!" IEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIE- "Where is the off button!WHEEEREEE IS THE OFF BUTTON!" In a wild panic I pressed the only button I could discover on the thing. IEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIE- It didn't work. IEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIE-- "Stop it!" Shaking didn't help either. IEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIE- Ah. Twist to open. IEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIE- "Raaaaaaah!" I yanked the lid thing off the battery. IEPIE. Pfffft. Silence. Lovely silence. I tossed the thing on the countertop. IEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIEPIE!! The battery was touching the lid thing again, that villain! One final seperation later, I went back to bed. That's when I started to ponder fondly on carbon-monoxide poisoning. Ahhhh.
The start of 2010 asks for resolutions. On January first, right away, I made one come true that was on my list for my entire life already and I couldn't even dream of it to have that actually happen.I had stopped counting on it already, because it was a tricky one:
Accidentally being left behind in the zoo after closing time.
Tricky for two reasons:
1) I had alert parents as a kid, who didn't allow this to happen to me. 2) Now I've stopped being a kid, there is no easy case of "accidental" here.
It happened after all! On January first, Stephen and I decided to do the most fun thing I can imagine to do on a free New Years day: Off to the zoo!!!! It was freezing cold and Januari first, so it wasn't so busy at Blijdorp Zoo.
We gasped at jellyfish for hours and at bats and lions and whatever else skips around there. We were convinced! In the future, once we've realized our cunning plans of world domination, these aquarium walls and the over-your-head-sea- aquarium tunnel were to be a must-have in our villain cave.
After wandering around for a couple of hours, it started to get pretty dark, but that happens quite easily in January.
We came across a dark small building that had the door open and we couldn't resist our curiousity. It was pinch dark and there was another animal in one of the cages. We could hear a sort of scraping sound and we inched closer very carefully. When our eyes got used to the dark a bit, we could just about make out a tail-like- shadow. Was that? Could that be a? A scary growl came from out of nowhere and we ran out like screaming school girls. Yes. That was indeed a lioness.
Adrenaline still screaming through our bodies, we decided to relax a bit in the butterfly garden (the butterflies were no longer active, but those signals passed us by) and after that we went to the bird house, which had another surprise for us. There were also birds *outside* of the cages. This became clear after one flew right over Stephens head. Carefully we went deeper into the bird house. Birds can be quite scary, sometimes. And the entire park seemed abandoned! The tucans were so beautiful that it didn't cross our mind for too long.
Suddenly there was a voice:
"Hi! I know you're having a fun time here, but the park is closed for half an hour already."
We mumbled something about that it wasn't announced that it was closing time, and forgotten about the time and more things like it. I had to try really hard not to grin extremely wide. My secret wish had come true!
The zookeeper wasn't even angry! He guided us out, all the gates were locked already! Teeheeeee!
"Yes. This is Coos." "Hello Coos." "............" ".........." "............." "Uhm-" "This is Coos." "Yes uhm. I just left you a message because we had an appointment to fix my window at 5 o cl-" "Yes I think it's terrible my cheeks are shame red miss, I am deeply embarressed, deeply deeply ashamed, like I said my cheeks are sha-" "Oh well, That can happen to the-" "No it's a disgrace! It shouldn't have been allowed to happen but it happened anyway and really from the bottom of my heart my soul I think it really is-"
Coos sounded like he was being chased by a burning bull, while he made an attempt to break the world smoking record and -why not- he was on a roll- was moving the Eiffel tower. Alone and with his bare hands. A Tsunami of apologies was blown into my ears in a huffing, puffing, throat clearing and wheezing manner, with on the background the moist sound of -I-didn't-even-know-sweat-had-a-sound-to-begin-with! -sweat. "Let's meet Monday then?" "What time?" "4 o'clock okay?" "I will put it in my organiser with red marker, miss, with red marker! No way around it! I will be there! HHHHHHHHUhhNHHHGGG! GURGLE! COUGH!" "Byebye Coos." "Bye Baby!"
Since you are an abstract something within myself, I've decided to write a letter in staid. Because, as you know, I am a conflict avoiding coward. I know that that is the exact treat that you appreciate in me so much, this letter must make you feel good right now, but I am afraid that you will change your mind about that, as you read this letter some more. I had planned to tell you this straight in your face, but, forgive me for saying it, things rub you the wrong way easily and then you start yelling at me and like I said I'm a conflict avoiding coward...anyway.
So. A letter.
You have been my most loyal compagnon for about 27 years, always ready when I need you (this is not so very often, but still!) You are even there for me when I don't need you (this is always). Trustworthy. Proper. Undestructabe.
I have to tell you something, Lack of Self Esteem and I will just fuss it up right this instant:
I'm done with you. There. It's on paper. Now it is real. Because it is on paper.
You are boring. You bore me and you are rude. Now you're probably offended but you always offend me too and I always just have to take it. Truth hurts ey, you will tell me. Well here you go.
We are that couple in restaurants that has really got nothing to say to eachother. You must feel that too. I know, you try your best to convince me that nothing is the matter, but there is a point when we both have to decide that it cannot go on like this anymore. Throw the towel in the ring. The hottest love has the coldest end. If you can't beat them, join them. No place like... I'm getting distracted.
I fell in love with someone else. It's a bit of a player, but you can't judge that, because you cheat too. I saw it! On the open mike nights, at funerals and don't think I have forgotten those countless times that I have seen you hit it off with those boys and girls and men and women who didn't fit in their group, too fat, too skinny. Too... put 'too' in front of it and you've gone over it. You even had little adventures with people whom I would have never matched up with you. They have confessed it to me in person so do not deny it. I have decided that now it is going to be my turn. This might come as a shock to you, because I am not exactly the type you'd guess to do such a thing, but I have been cheating on you with him several times the last couple of years. Confidence, is the name. You know him. He moves in the same cirkles. He's your arch rival, I think. At least you always talk so negatively about him. Arrogant, you call him. Loud and a player.
He is everything that you are not and I love him. Let me confess something else to you, I have met a couple of people he dates (he swings both ways, just like you) and I really like them. I will give a few examples of them, whom I've met or read things from, those who have influenced me the most to leave you, just because, by the vibes they gave and by what they said. And I don't quote this by the letter, but it comes down to this:
Kim said: Just say 'Thank You. That's the only right way. Not to say thank you after I compliment you on something, but stating by all kinds of examples how what I just said to you is a lie, think about it, that's kind of offensive. Right?'
And I saw she was right.
Ivana said: '...And that's when I decided to stop being a victim.' (This was after a long, tragic anecdote I will spare you now, because this letter is getting long as is, anyway.) But that anecdote was so tragical, I decided that if she could do it, so could I.
'Just do it. Don't accept the other option anymore, just don't allow it. You're only a victim when you allow yourself to be one and wallow in it. Victims are very unlikable characters.' Especially that last thing, hit a weak spot in me.
Stephen said: 'If I ever write a self-help book, it will only have five words in it, the rest is completely empty and people can use it to doodle or something. On the first page it will read: "Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself." That's it. And that's all you need. All the other selfhelp books will turn useless. Hahaha! But seriously, that is the key. Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself. Self pity is the most destructive force.' I am now a man content. '
And before you start,no, they are not all Americans, they are from all over the globe.
Tonight was another one of those final straws and that's why I am writing you this letter. One of his flings, she happens to be named Kim as well, gave me some tools during her singing workshop, to attract Confidence, so now I believe, that with some adjustments to my behavior, posture and breathing, I can win him over. Small tricks that work, they already worked a bit tonight and they fit exactly with what those people I just mentioned said already. It all falls into place.
We've been together for so long, so I expect that you will always have a part in my life, I don't know myself even if I will ever be able to let you go completely. You're comfortable and that what I know so well. You've almost become a part of me, that's what it feels like. Maybe an open relation is still an option, because all three of us are not really monogamous and you do have a place in my heart. Confidence isn't even so negative about that, he kind of likes you, he said. He is afraid he's going to be jealous, that is what he did say though. I have thought this over, but I am too in love with him and I don't want to do that to you. You will feel that anyway.
I think that I actually don't want to see you for a while. It might sound harsh, but I think that it's for the best for all of us. I am sure that there is someone out there who fits you better. We've grown apart. You no longer fit me.
I cannot supress my feelings any longer. I want to find out if things can possibly work out between Confidence and me.
Thank you for always being there for me. I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone for a while and not come visit me. You have the tendency to appear right in front of my nose out of nowhere. Don't. It's a bit creepy, you know. Know that I will demand you to leave if you should do that. It's for the best. I have to choose what's best for me now. Sorry.
