Letter Dearest Lack Of Self Esteem,
Since you are an abstract something within myself, I've decided to write a letter in staid. Because, as you know, I am a conflict avoiding coward. I know that that is the exact treat that you appreciate in me so much, this letter must make you feel good right now, but I am afraid that you will change your mind about that, as you read this letter some more. I had planned to tell you this straight in your face, but, forgive me for saying it, things rub you the wrong way easily and then you start yelling at me and like I said I'm a conflict avoiding coward...anyway.
So. A letter.
You have been my most loyal compagnon for about 27 years, always ready when I need you (this is not so very often, but still!) You are even there for me when I don't need you (this is always). Trustworthy. Proper. Undestructabe.
I have to tell you something, Lack of Self Esteem and I will just fuss it up right this instant:
I'm done with you. There. It's on paper. Now it is real. Because it is on paper.
You are boring. You bore me and you are rude. Now you're probably offended but you always offend me too and I always just have to take it. Truth hurts ey, you will tell me. Well here you go.
We are that couple in restaurants that has really got nothing to say to eachother. You must feel that too. I know, you try your best to convince me that nothing is the matter, but there is a point when we both have to decide that it cannot go on like this anymore. Throw the towel in the ring. The hottest love has the coldest end. If you can't beat them, join them. No place like... I'm getting distracted.
I fell in love with someone else. It's a bit of a player, but you can't judge that, because you cheat too. I saw it! On the open mike nights, at funerals and don't think I have forgotten those countless times that I have seen you hit it off with those boys and girls and men and women who didn't fit in their group, too fat, too skinny. Too... put 'too' in front of it and you've gone over it. You even had little adventures with people whom I would have never matched up with you. They have confessed it to me in person so do not deny it. I have decided that now it is going to be my turn. This might come as a shock to you, because I am not exactly the type you'd guess to do such a thing, but I have been cheating on you with him several times the last couple of years. Confidence, is the name. You know him. He moves in the same cirkles. He's your arch rival, I think. At least you always talk so negatively about him. Arrogant, you call him. Loud and a player.
He is everything that you are not and I love him. Let me confess something else to you, I have met a couple of people he dates (he swings both ways, just like you) and I really like them. I will give a few examples of them, whom I've met or read things from, those who have influenced me the most to leave you, just because, by the vibes they gave and by what they said. And I don't quote this by the letter, but it comes down to this:
Kim said: Just say 'Thank You. That's the only right way. Not to say thank you after I compliment you on something, but stating by all kinds of examples how what I just said to you is a lie, think about it, that's kind of offensive. Right?'
And I saw she was right.
Ivana said: '...And that's when I decided to stop being a victim.' (This was after a long, tragic anecdote I will spare you now, because this letter is getting long as is, anyway.) But that anecdote was so tragical, I decided that if she could do it, so could I.
'Just do it. Don't accept the other option anymore, just don't allow it. You're only a victim when you allow yourself to be one and wallow in it. Victims are very unlikable characters.' Especially that last thing, hit a weak spot in me.
Stephen said: 'If I ever write a self-help book, it will only have five words in it, the rest is completely empty and people can use it to doodle or something. On the first page it will read: "Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself." That's it. And that's all you need. All the other selfhelp books will turn useless. Hahaha! But seriously, that is the key. Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself. Self pity is the most destructive force.' I am now a man content. '
And before you start,no, they are not all Americans, they are from all over the globe.
Tonight was another one of those final straws and that's why I am writing you this letter. One of his flings, she happens to be named Kim as well, gave me some tools during her singing workshop, to attract Confidence, so now I believe, that with some adjustments to my behavior, posture and breathing, I can win him over. Small tricks that work, they already worked a bit tonight and they fit exactly with what those people I just mentioned said already. It all falls into place.
We've been together for so long, so I expect that you will always have a part in my life, I don't know myself even if I will ever be able to let you go completely. You're comfortable and that what I know so well. You've almost become a part of me, that's what it feels like. Maybe an open relation is still an option, because all three of us are not really monogamous and you do have a place in my heart. Confidence isn't even so negative about that, he kind of likes you, he said. He is afraid he's going to be jealous, that is what he did say though. I have thought this over, but I am too in love with him and I don't want to do that to you. You will feel that anyway.
I think that I actually don't want to see you for a while. It might sound harsh, but I think that it's for the best for all of us. I am sure that there is someone out there who fits you better. We've grown apart. You no longer fit me.
I cannot supress my feelings any longer.
I want to find out if things can possibly work out between Confidence and me.
Thank you for always being there for me. I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone for a while and not come visit me. You have the tendency to appear right in front of my nose out of nowhere. Don't. It's a bit creepy, you know. Know that I will demand you to leave if you should do that. It's for the best. I have to choose what's best for me now. Sorry.
-XOXOXO-
yours, Claartje.
